As of 2:00 this afternoon, Brian and I put our "yes on the table" to have our family profile shown to a birth mom.
We are so excited!
...Excited because this could be the 8th Roesler....and all the blessings and joy that comes with welcoming a baby into your home.
...Excited to meet this amazing woman with such great taste to have chosen our family to raise her son.
...Excited to have once again stepped out in faith and seen God's will in our lives fulfilled.
But, if I were 100% honest, I gotta confess that I am so scared.
Having walked the adoption path before, I am well aware that this birth mom may not choose our family. During our last journey, we put our "yes on the table" so many times to only be rejected that we lost count. I am not naive to the fact there are numerous families who will (and should) want to have their profiles shown tomorrow morning. It is hard not to have the perspective that we aren't in "competition" to win this birth mom's approval. We know from our experience that the right time will come and that God will place into our family the absolute perfect child. But, it is still scary to open ourselves up to possible rejection...the emotional roller coaster ride of imagining this baby and this timeline and how it will impact your life only to be told, "No. Not yet."
We continue to fund-raise and apply for grants. But, the dollars aren't sitting in the bank. I'm scared to take on the additional loans to make this adoption a reality. While it would seem that the easiest answer is simply don't do it and avoid the loans and debt, it isn't. There is a period of time that our home study is good. The calling to adoption remains strong on our hearts and after reading about this birth mom we knew that God was calling us to act. It is scary to move forward with uncertainty as to how this financial piece will shift things for our family. Ideally, the money tree would have grown in the back yard or the lottery winnings would have been gifted to us. But, then putting our yes on the table probably wouldn't be such a terrifying leap of faith.
As I look at the calendar and try to envision the travel times and juggling the family schedule, I am scared at how the stress and strain will impact our children. We have five amazing kiddos who really rise up during times of stress to accomplish the impossible. They have proved this time and time, again, from the short bursts (like Mom working and Dad traveling during Christmas break) to the long marathons (like one or both parents gone on Mission Trips or our first adoption), that they are capable of greatness. But, I am a worrier...what is the cost on them during these times of chaos and strain?
My logical side recognizes that all my fear is a lack of faith. It is so easy for me to romanticize our first adoption journey and how God was so incredibly faithful because I have the proof right here snuggling in my lap. But, being back in the adoption trenches, again, I am reminded of how rough this journey really was...and remains. I love control...and this journey is completely about trusting God.
I was sharing some of this struggle with wanting control and entrusting our journey to God with my small group last night. In response, one of the young ladies sent me this picture from her morning devotional this morning:
She knows me so well! I would love a map (Although, Brian would have to read it and explain it to me since I stink at map reading. Thank you, God, for GPS!)! But, instead, I will remind myself to keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
So, please pray for this birth mom, this baby and our family because we put our first "yes" on the table...
