Now, What?

As with most things in my life, I have been reminded that control is merely an illusion.  Even when I take every precaution to insulate myself from pain, hardship or disappointment, these realities remain a part of life's journey.  And, for the past 18 months, I (with my amazingly patient husband) have stepped out in faith on the journey of adoption...for a second time.

Let me be real for a few moment.

• Yes.  I honestly believed that we stepped out in faith to follow God's calling to adopt another child into our family.  And, yes, I still believe that.  (Brian, too!)  While the age, ability level or birth location may change, I remain confident that we are called to adopt at least one more child.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I am disappointed that it has been over a year since this process began and we still do not have a child/children adopted into our family.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I am frustrated at the process...and, more frustrated at how simply broken "the system" seems to be that leaves pregnant mothers in the position that the need to seek adoptive families.  It is not lost on me that in a "perfect world" a woman would not choose to give a piece of her heart and soul away.  This is an incredibly courageous and selfless act by these pregnant birth moms.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I am sad each and every time we put our "yes on the table" and hear back "no."  Each time, I know that this wasn't God's plan...yet, it still hurts as the dreams I had began to dream about a life with this new child vanishes.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I feel incredibly vulnerable and I cry about the dumbest things.  I know what it feels like to yearn for someone(s) and not be able to see them, touch them, feel them.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I want to talk about all of this with you.  Please, ask me.  I will tell you if we have said "yes" to an adoptive mom or if we just haven't had any new cases that moved us to act.  I want to talk to you about the calling on my heart for adoption and I need your prayers.  This walk is not easy and without a definite end in sight, I am weary.  I want to quit.  But, I can't because I know this is exactly where God wants me to be.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  This is going to cost money.  And, I worry.  I worry a lot about providing for the family with which we have already been blessed.  But, I also worry about what the cost of adding another one or two (with God's blessing, could it be three?!?) more kiddos as well as their needs and wants.  I know that God has always provided what we needed, but I still seek out where my will ends and His will begins.  And, ultimately, adoption should NEVER be about money or lack there-of...and yet, my heart breaks...

In the Pixar movie that came out this past spring, Inside Out, I was reminded that there is value in sadness or those emotions we would normally categorize as "sad."  The animated movie pointed out that it is in these times of (dare I say it?) vulnerability that we can seek out help, love, kindness, and compassion.  And, it is in these darkest hours that we have been gifted exactly that by our friends and family.

I cannot tell you how many times I have simply wanted to stop...just stop the impending chaos and changes that will come with another adoption.  And, it is those times that I have been closest to calling our adoption consultant to say "we are done," that God has used His people to push me forward.  These are "my people" that honestly call me on my insecurities.  They stand in the gap between what I doubt and what God's calling on my life remains...and they speak truth to my aching heart:

Brian & I are not alone.  

God loves us and has not forsaken us.

God's will for our family will happen in His timing.

(Tobi, calm down.  Take a nap and eat some chocolate. 

 -- Always a necessary reminder.  Thank you, Mom!)

This discomfort (although long) is only temporary.  God's kingdom is eternal.

And, so we move forward in the following ways:

Updating Our Home Study - Home studies expire after a year.  So, we are in the process of updating background checks, finger prints, financial documents, etc. so that we can give them to our social worker.  She will be coming to our home late this month to interview our family.  Then, we wait 4-6 weeks for her new update.  In the meanwhile, our current home study will expire. So, we will need to wait for our updated study in order to pursue future "situations."

Garage Sale Fundraiser - We have realized that the cost for the newest family member(s) will be more than we originally budgeted.  So, we are hosting a garage sale the weekend of August 21 & 22nd.   If you are able, please consider helping this new fundraiser in one of the following ways:

• Donating your Household Items to our sale.  The more the merrier!!  Just message, text or call and we can arrange a time to pick-up or drop-off.  
• Shop our sale!!  Everyone is always looking for a good deal, right?!  We will be open Friday & Saturday from 8am - 3pm.  Special pre-screening for anyone who donates items to the garage on Thursday evening (August 20th) from 6:30 - 8:30pm.  
• Kid-care - While the big kids are at school, we could use some help watching our youngest or simply helping to work the sale on Friday from 8:00 - 2:00pm.

Prayer - We continue to prayerfully seek God's will in every step that we take throughout this process.  Please join us in praying for our future children as well as their birth mom, birth dad and possible birth siblings.

Thank you for standing with us on this journey as we continue to anxiously await the completion of God's calling for our family and this adoption journey.

God's blessings,

Tobi