Life isn't always a Lifetime Moment

Can I just say a HUGE "Thank you, Jesus!!" that AJ and I finally got to return home on October 2nd?!?  Two weeks in New Jersey was ENOUGH!  We were so very blessed to be able to return home on the same flight that Brian was on from Chicago to Springfield and surprise our kiddos when they got home from school.

Elijah's first words to me after being a part for 15 days, "Did you bring home my baby brother?"

Guess I know where I rank even with Mr. E!

It has taken a few weeks to settle in to our "new normal," but I didn't want to leave off our adoption story on Thursday's frantic pace.   (click the link to refresh yourself with our story...in case your memory is as poor as mine!)

While I would love to paint the next few days as "romantic" or "amazing," that would make this more of a daytime drama and less of our real life.  Adoption journeys are messy.  They are awkward.  And, they are filled with raw emotion...and, not always the good, warm-fuzzy kind.  I will share with you the events as I remember them...at least the high points.  But, much of the weekend is a blur...I have trouble reconstructing the timeline of events because most of the time I felt like I was moving through a disjointed dream.  

Lifetime Movie Moment (LMM):  

Brian and I wake refreshed from our brief nap both clad in our formal night-wear.  We kiss each other with a quick morning peck complete with glowing smile and me with formal make-up.  Birds are singing.  Our maid knocks on the door to bring us our morning coffees as we begin to prepare for the day.  Our attractive, Swedish-body-builder chauffeur, arrives to carry our bags to the limo as I put the final touches on my lipstick.

Reality:

The alarm rudely awoke us on Friday morning in time to be on our 5:10am flight.  Three hours of sleep does not equal refreshed.  I'm wearing the same long-sleeve shirt and sleep pants that I have worn since I was pregnant with Emma.  My motto:  The more fabric the better.  Although, this particular fabric seems to be "giving out" and holes are appearing in weird places...like my elbows.  We grunt something like, "I love you." But, it sounds more like, "Get the hell up!  We need to go!"  I apply make-up...with my eyes closed.  Pretty sure some of it will stick.  Brian lugs my suitcase to the car.  McDonalds is NOT serving breakfast yet and I'm convinced I will starve.

LMM:

The sunrise is just cresting over the horizon as I step out of the limo.  My beloved escorts me (in heels and a ball gown, of course!) to our private jet.  Our personal pilot greets us and offers me a mimosa before departure.  Brian and I sit side by side holding hands and smiling at each other.  The love between us is overwhelming and highlighted by the beautiful orchestral music.  The entire crew breaks out into a brief Broadway medley highlighting the beauty of adoption and how great it is to simply be alive (and wealthy).  Brian and I even join in dancing with the crew before Brian finishes the number with a glowing guitar solo.  But, I digress...

Reality:

We are flying coach.  At 5:10am in the morning.  No one smiles.  No one makes eye contact.  We are herded like sheep into a crowded air craft where EVERY seat is taken.  Still, no one smiles.  No one makes eye contact.  And, before our plane leaves Springfield, my feet fall asleep.  Good news!  At least a part of me will be well rested!  The best news is that McDonalds in Chicago is serving breakfast.  I will not starve after all.

LMM:

We land in Newark (or our private airport conveniently located inches from the hospital).  I exit the airplane with make-up perfectly applied and my hair blows gently in the breeze.  Brian, in his formal business suit, exits first and then raises his hand to help me down to the tarmac where we meet our chauffeur (let's just call him Hans to complete the image) opens the door to our limo.  Hans loads our bags as we sit in the back of our cool, luxurious ride hand-in-hand.  We whisper in excitement at the joy of meeting our new baby and having the weekend get-away together.  "Won't Mother be so surprised?" Scene fades to black and commercial begins for women's bladder control undergarments. Reality: 

We landed in Newark and make the 6 billion mile trek to the rental car company line before even locating a bathroom that doesn't have a 40 minute wait.  While I am grateful that I haven't wet my pants and that I successfully kept up with the Army Road March pace my husband has set, I am far from the picture of grace or beauty.  Any trace of make-up has left my face even before we left Chicago.  Brian waits in the line for a kiosk so that we can then wait in another line to see a real person.  I return from visiting the restroom that was built about 1902 simply grateful to have an empty bladder and the ability to think about ANYTHING other than my bladder.

It is while we are waiting for our rental car that Brian, when asked what brought us to New Jersey, says, "we came to pick up our new son."  Whoa.  This is real.  Our son is waiting for us.  The adrenaline rush that comes with those words could have propelled me to run all the way to the hospital!  Instead, we enter into New Jersey traffic with a GPS who has attitude.

LMM:

Brian and I enter the hospital.  It is spacious and clearly newly built.  Only top-of-the-line for us...and our birth mom.  The staff is welcoming, loving and attentive (and very attractive...because otherwise they wouldn't be on a hospital TV show!).  Looking like we have walked off the cover of GQ (is that even a real magazine, anymore?!?), we walk into the hospital room.  The music swells, tears fill my eyes as I see my new son for the first time.  The beautiful, equally glamorous birth mom asks, "would you like to hold your son?"  I rush to her bed side and gush with gratitude as I pick up my new baby.  I glow radiantly as I look to my husband who puts his arms around me and our new son.

Reality:

Brian and I spend a good deal of our initial 2+ hours in New Jersey trying to figure out when the loan we have taken out will actually hit our checking account so that we can wire the money to our adoption agency.  We park in random fast-food restaurants and hotels trying to "borrow" wi-fi so that we can access the internet and our bank website on my lap top.  Our agency finally assures us that we can wait for the necessary window of time to wire them the money and that it is more important that we visit our birth mom and new son.  Duh!

Our first encounter in the hospital is chaotic and rushed.  The original 15 minute visit with our birth mom becomes awkward and complicated as our case worker "drops us off" to go find our son.  Introductions feel forced...conversation is difficult.  The hospital isn't pro-adoption.  The staff won't talk to Brian or I.  We are not even acknowledged as nurses move in and out of our birth mom's room.  The visit becomes easier as our son is returned to the hospital room.  Our focus shifts to him.  Holding him calms my head and focuses my heart.  He is the reason we are all here.  Just love him...focus on him.

Our visit lasts almost 3 hours.  While we feel such love and acceptance for our birth mom and our new son, our heart aches at how poorly she is being treated.  We know we aren't welcomed to return to visit.  We leave with tears in our eyes and yearning for justice in our hearts.

LMM:

Brian and I leave the hospital the following day.  Once again, we are both well-rested and wearing our designer fineries.  Our slightly-tanned skin glows as we hold our new son and get into our spacious limo for the brief trip back to our personal jet.  (Do limos have baby seats?  My daytime drama viewing memory cannot come up with a single car seat.)  Our weekend visit to New Jersey has been wonderful and we have to rush back to family and friends to celebrate the arrival of our new son.  

Reality:

Friday evening, we check into the hotel and go to bed.  It is only 5:30pm but the emotions of the past hours and days have drained us.  We get up only to find food and then back to the hotel to sleep.  There are no easy answers or definite plans.  We wait by the phone for our case worker to let us know if Saturday will hold a visit with our son.  Most hospitals would let the adoptive family bring the baby home on day three.  Birth mom has to stay because of her c-section.  Not our hospital.  There is no part of their policy that will honor her wishes to be moved to a different floor, that he leaves the hospital with us and that she can have time alone.  They insist on her feeding the baby, bonding and walking him out the door on Sunday afternoon.

Saturday is spent finding a new hotel for my extended stay, a Target (because you HAVE to have a Target! Am I right, Ladies?!) and a "safer community."  We wait. We buy diapers and a stroller.  And, we wait some more.

Sunday afternoon comes.  The injustice and pain is visible on her face.  We are helpless.  We have waited in the hospital for 3 hours before she is finally released.  I want to hug her.  I want to thank her and take a "family photo."  But, she is hiding behind our caseworker.  She desperately wants to be anywhere but here...with me.  With her baby.  In a rush, Brian gets the car and we load up our son.  We drive away to our hotel where we will sign paperwork for the next hour to make this "official."  While there is incredible relief and joy that we have our son WITH US, we cannot shake the messy good-bye.  

Brian flies home early Monday morning to our five children at home.  And, I move to a new hotel and settle in for the next two weeks.  While there is joy, it simply isn't "movie-quality."  It isn't this neat package devoid of pain, frustration or messy-ness.

As you know from my other post that during my extended stay in NJ, I was able to visit and share life with AJ's birth mother.  And, that was also made up of such joy but also such pain and messy-ness.  

It is my belief that life is simply not meant to be a Lifetime Movie.  It is far too BIG to fit into such a small, simple plot-line.

As time passes, I think we tend to re-write history a bit...trying to force it into a neater package more suitable for daytime viewing.  But, that isn't what a real-life journey looks like...and, that package often writes the script for where God has acted and how He impacted the situation.  I'm not ready to narrow down the moments where God was so very real and present.  And, I may never know.

What I do know, tonight, is that I am grateful for the painful moments.  I am grateful for the awkward times and the messy, chaotic moments.  It is in these "real" places that I was and I am most in-tune with the God who loves me...because I am forced to realize that I am not in control and more importantly God is in control.

If you feel called to help support our adoption fund,

please visit:

Tobi & Brian Are Adopting

or

https://pages.giveforward.com/adoption_ivf/page-t9ymvb/

Back on Track...Thursday

Back to our "regularly schedule" blog post...picking up where I left off in my first blog about this newest adoption journey:

Thursday morning, we started the day like we do almost every week.  Kids off to school.  Brian off to work.  Elijah headed to his Parent's Day Out program at our church and I went to the gym.

This might seem silly in some respects.  Maybe I should have spent the morning making plans...putting together freezer meals...cleaning house, but we hadn't gotten a "yes" from the birth mom, yet.  Our caseworkers were cautiously optimistic, but there were still a number of variables.  So, it made sense to simply move forward with "normal" life until we knew for certain that plans needed to change.

It wasn't until I was on mile #2 of my morning treadmill routine that my phone rang.  The caseworker wanted to just check in and update me.  First, birth mom still hadn't had an opportunity to see our profile book but they had a plan for her to see it around lunch time.  And, second, birth mom had a c-section last night (Wednesday) and the baby BOY was HERE!

Remember with me, please, we had spent the last roughly 8 days praying for this baby girl.  We'd dreamed of dresses and dollies...pink, ruffles and hair-dos.  So, it took me a good solid minute before I could respond.

The silence made our caseworker question if gender was a "deal breaker" for us.

Absolutely, NOT.  We were called to this birth mom and to this situation...I just needed to replace the pink dresses with blue jump suits...more energy and potentially less drama.  Mind shift arrived...and, ready to move forward.

The caseworker said she would call later in the day after the birth mom had seen our profile and let us know if she had any questions.

Still, we were in a holding pattern.

I texted Brian and the kids with the update...making sure to put BOY in all caps allowing all of us to shift our expectations as well as redirect our prayers.

Then, I finished my work-out.  Because, apparently, when you lack "definites" then you stay on Plan A for the day.

As I look back, one of the major signs that this was going to happen should have been that I never felt any anxiety after our final "yes" was on the table.  I was apprehensive about the money portion...but, the remainder of the details never rattled the feeling of peace I had.

I did leave a note at Elijah's PDO to let them know the following week Uncle Mike could be dropping him off and picking him up.  I made a few initial texts and e-mails to let people know it was looking more likely that we would need them.  But, overall, life went on.

Our caseworker called around lunch time, Brian received the call.  She just wanted to let us know that the meeting between the caseworker and birth mom had been post-poned a few more hours.  They would be meeting at 1:00 (central time).  Brian texted me the update.  And, life remained calm.  Normal.  Kind of like that stillness before a major storm....you know it's coming.  You can even begin to smell it.  But, you aren't rolling up windows or anything.  It's that late summer storm that comes when everything is dry and brittle...the rain that has been so long prayed for and anticipated.

Elijah and I had settled in for our rest time routine.  It was about 2:00 and we were snuggling while reading his pile of books.  My phone rang.

Caseworker:  Congratulations!  You are the parents of a little boy!
Me:  Okay.
Caseworker:  The birth mom chose you and your husband.
Me:  Right.
(As you can see, I have a gift with words!)
Caseworker: So, can you be in New Jersey, tonight?
Me:  Oh, God, No!
(Again, ever so gifted with words!)
Caseworker:  It is really important that you be there as quickly as possible.  Tomorrow by noon at the latest.

Then,  life went into OVERDRIVE.  The storm had hit...and the rain was so welcome...exciting...and I wanted to dance in the puddles like a little kid.  But, first:
...I had to tell Brian so he could get on the phone with the bank to secure our temporary (God-willing) loan.  Paperwork to be found to prove we could pay for this loan.  More paperwork to be filled out.
...Texts to our kids to update them that they had a baby brother.  Sorry, teachers!  I doubt there was a lot of learning going on that day.
...Gentle, loving reminders to Elijah that he was taking a nap and to leave the pictures on the walls.  And, no, he didn't need to have another story, practice using the potty or play with bubbles in his bed.
...There were plane tickets to buy for Brian and me.  As well as tickets for Uncle Mike to come and be our super Manny!  Our church family had already stepped forward and our pastor offered to reimburse us our ticket costs.  How cool was that!?  It definitely made it easier to type in our credit card numbers.  Major blessing!
...There were frantic texts to our beautiful neighbor who in her mid-20s didn't think twice about uprooting her life and moving into our home for the weekend to fill the gap between our leaving and Uncle Mike's arrival.
...The texts to a friend to do a Friday day shift with Elijah, drive our kids to the Friday night football game AND bring over newborn clothes and supplies for our new son.
...The mounds of adoption paperwork that had to be filled out and printed...and signed before a notary.  Thank God for our church administrator who was not only willing to be our notary but welcomed this frantic couple into her home to get the job done.  And, she blessed us by praying with us before we walked out the door. Such an amazing moment of peace!
...Talking with the older kids about what needed to be covered in the coming weekend, who would cover what, and how we would get through the coming days.
...Calling a girlfriend who graciously pulled together a Mary Kay pampering set for us to gift our birth mom and she arrived within hours with the perfect gift.
...Suitcases needed to be dragged down from the attic and clothes needed to be washed.
...The girls still had to get to piano lessons.
...There still needed to be dinner...thank you, Papa Johns, for your user-friendly app!
...We had a football game to attend and a star player to cheer on...not knowing when we would be at another game.
...There were hotel reservations & rental car reservations to be made.
...Suitcases to pack and back packs to be loaded.

The character of a family comes into clarity with how well it handles crisis moments such as these.  I'm sure there could have been many moments of complete melt down...mostly by me.  But, each time I felt like my head was going to burst...or my brain was turning to mush, I would find the face of one of my kids smiling at me.  They would calmly ask what they could do and how could they help.  Instead of starting arguments with each other, they drew together as a team...like family often does...to accomplish our family mission:  Bring this baby home.

Step  1:  Get Mom & Dad to NJ (like yesterday) seemed to be the biggest hurdle.  But, then we have an amazing God....awesome children...and the blessings of friends

Elijah and our friend, Kathy,
playing in puddles.

& family.

Yet, even in the midst of this storm...with all the chaos and demands of our time, the path was paved with love, grace, forgiveness and understanding.

At 1:30 Friday morning as I put my last item in my suitcase, I knew that the 3:30 alarm was going to be brutal.  But, I also knew that what awaited us in NJ would be worth the sleepless night.

And, as I dozed in my bed, I dreamed about dancing in rain puddles...

If you feel called to help support our adoption fund,

please visit:

Tobi & Brian Are Adopting

or

https://pages.giveforward.com/adoption_ivf/page-t9ymvb/

 

Today...Moments of Grace

I know that I had indicated my next post would be about "Thursday" and more of the journey that led us to New Jersey.  However, I need to put that post on pause...first, I need to "unpack" the moments of today.

I had my heart set on flying home with AJ, today.  I desperately miss my five kiddos at home, my husband and "normal life."  I just needed to be done.

But, here's the funny thing about being done...it is often when I find the most important moments need to happen.   

Not flying home today meant that I was available to meet AJ's birth mom (J) for lunch.

This is uncharted territory for me.  I didn't know what a lunch would look like...feel like...be like.  I was scrambling for some type of outline or talking points.  Maybe there was a curriculum I could use?!?

 And, as the plans started to take shape yesterday, I recognized that I needed to do this. Over the past year, I have been blessed to share life with an incredible woman with eight children (crazy, right?!?).  Four of her children are adopted through foster care.  My friend maintains a relationship with her sons' birth mom that is filled with grace, acceptance and love.  It isn't easy, but she remains Christ-like throughout their journey.  I reached out to her via text and she confirmed that this was a good thing...and, a "God-thing."  We would learn together how to navigate this new territory together.

Finally, I had a sense of peace...if I couldn't fly home, this lunch was meant to be.  Whatever it felt like, looked like or simply was like....it would be.  It was as if God himself whispered in my ear, "Tobi, J needs you.  You will be enough.  She needs to know that she is loved...and that she is safe yoking her life with yours through AJ."

And, there it was.   A new calling on my life beyond just loving, guiding and raising AJ, but also loving his birth mom.  The calling to extend my definition of adoption from "just" this blessed child to also (in a way) adopting J into our family.

We met at a Cheesecake Factory.  Nothing fancy or special...until God transformed this every day place into Holy ground.

We hugged.
We sat close together on the bench, her holding AJ, my arm across her shoulders.  We talked and waited for our table.
She smelled him.  She rubbed her nose in his hair.  Felt his face against her face.
I told her about how good he is eating and strong he has gotten.
We ordered the same meal.  Drank our beverages.
I fed AJ.
She shared about how she has been feeling.  The support of her friends.
I shared about our family.  Life in Missouri.
She held AJ again.  Staring into his eyes.  Memorizing his small hands and long fingers.  Rubbed his feet with the palm of her hand.
I told her that I love her.  That our family loves her.
She looked into my eyes and asked if we could stay in touch.  Would I be willing to visit?  Could she visit us?
I shared that I didn't know what the future held but that our lives would always be interwoven.  We were on uncharted territory that she and I would have to navigate...but we would always need to do so by looking at one another's texts, e-mails or phone calls through a lens of love, respect and patience.
She begged me to never pull away from her.  If I was upset or scared to tell her, she would change so that I would be comfortable.
I asked for her patience and promised that AJ would always know that she loves him and that he is a special boy to have two mommies.
We shared our love for food.  She asked me to try ox tale...and I encouraged her to try sauerkraut.
I told her about my love for my church family and how they were praying for her, AJ and me.
She told me that she missed church.  She felt more centered and whole when she attended.
I encouraged her to go.  I told her that God was with her always.
She held AJ close and told him he was special.  Kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear.
I held back the tears as I witnessed such sacrificial love...such amazing grace. I was the interloper invading this Holy space where love means sacrifice.  Blind trust.  Total faith.
She shared her passion for working with the mentally challenged and her love for people with special needs.  Her desire to get back to work soon.
We picked at our food as we laughed, smiled and embraced the beginning foundation for the lifetime ahead.
She announced it was time to leave and she needed to go first.  It was too painful to watch us go.
I got it.  It is easier to walk away than to watch someone walk away.  The illusion of control...and the hiding of tears when you don't look back.
She held AJ close.  Kissed his cheeks and said good-bye.  Laid him down in his car seat.  Hugged me.
I held on...no short hug would be enough.  I said in our embrace that "I loved her" and "Thank you."
And, she walked away.

I am still emotionally "raw"...raw with the emotion of witnessing such a deep, sacrificial love.  Raw at the privileged to experience a simple lunch at a Cheesecake Factory that was so filled with love, respect, sacrifice, and grace.  Raw at still being here after so many days and hearing (via e-mail) that we still have at least a week to go.

I have been broken, today.  Broken of the need to control this uncontrollable time-table.  Broken of the need to fit adoption into a nice, predictable box.  Broken (once again) of the perception that "ministry" best happens in measured moments put on a calendar.

But, again, tonight, as I lay me head down to rest, I will once again pray:

"Use me, God.  Not my will but yours."

If you feel called to help support our adoption fund,

please visit:

Tobi & Brian Are Adopting

or

https://pages.giveforward.com/adoption_ivf/page-t9ymvb/

Let's Start at the Beginning...Shall We?

It feels like we have lived a LOT of life in a very short period of days.  As I think back over the past two week, I am reminded of the blog entry I wrote after we adopted Elijah.  Simply put,

God has shown up...time and time again.  

It is in the reflection of these past days, weeks and years that I can see why we had to wait so long...why the numerous failed matches...why this needed to be God's timing and not mine.  And, I have been reminded that God has journeyed with us during the good and bad times, but has clearly been paving the way for this adoption by creating connections, friendship and planting us in a church family.

As I think about the timeline of events, I find that I get confused...and sometimes disbelieve all that has happened.  So, I decided to sit down and blog the events as I remember them and share our adoption testimony.

Putting Our "Yes On the Table" - Again.

I found this situation at the beginning of September on a an adoption website I frequently visited.  I inquired about the situation because it listed an African American baby girl due mid-September.  When the agency responded, I immediately ruled it out because of the high dollar amount they were asking for the adoption.  Brian and I already were stepping out in faith asking for financial support and we knew the top-dollar for which we could secure a loan.  So, I hit the delete button and said a little prayer for this birth mom that she would find the right family for her little girl.

Two weeks later, I received an email from the agency stating that they had lowered the cost by almost $12,000 and would we be willing to consider the situation.  That e-mail was the catalyst that started Brian and I talking....praying....dreaming...and, researching. Throughout this process, there have been defining moments that provided us clarity.  One of those moments was seeing this video  about getting over the cost of adoption.  Yes.  The cost is outrageous.  Yes.  We wish that the system wasn't broken, expensive and so complicated.  But, at this moment, we say yes to all of that in order to adopt a child out of brokenness and into our forever family.

I am increasingly convinced that adoption is the result of brokenness - broken families, broken communities, and broken spirits.  Healthy, happy and "whole" women do not choose to give away their unborn babies.  It is (most often) an act of sacrificing one's own selfish desires and trying to gift that innocent soul a life without brokenness.  Adoption can be the healing of brokenness.  The mending...changing...and loving something (someone) into the beginning of a new reality.

It is this brokenness that will lead me to leave out some details surrounding this situation.  These will be left for AJ to share when he feels it is right to do so as part of his testimony and his history.  And, it is this brokenness that moved Brian and I to continue down the path of pursuing this birth mom and her child.  It is our firm belief that regardless of a birth mother's condition, she should know that she is loved and that her decision for adoption is honorable & her sacrifice is recognized for the incredible gift that it is.

As our hearts were being stirred to take action, we had a major obstacle:  NO updated home study.  We had begun the process during the summer and were finishing up the paperwork having already had our renewal visitation with our case worker.  We were uncertain if the agency would be willing to let us present to this birth mom knowing that our final home study could still be a week or more away from being finished.

Proof that God is in the details...what could have been the end of the dialogue, became a minor detail.  Our local case worker went to town finishing up the home study in a record DAYS verses weeks.  This beautiful woman even talked to our agency on her vacation in order to assure them that we were viable candidates for this placement...and, she even encouraged them to place a child with us as we were "an ideal family for adopting another child."  Amazing!

With all signs moving us forward, I sat down our 4 oldest children over lunch.  After our last adoption, they requested to have a "voice vote" in each scenario that we were considering.  It made sense to me being the sister of 3 adopted siblings.  It is easier to be "in the know" than surprised.  So, I laid out the situation.  The good stuff.  The bad stuff.  And, then sat back and waited.  These amazing kids did not hesitate to encourage us to move forward.  While I was weighing out all the pros & cons, they simply saw that this baby needed a family...and, they wanted to be that family.

Brian and I sought out the council of our adoption consultant and previous case worker to learn more about this agency.  We talked to them about the details of the situation, and the increasing feeling that we were the only family the agency had found to present to this mom.  It is one thing to have your profile shown with other families because then there is still a large margin for that new baby to be placed in a different family.  But, this time saying yes felt heavier because we appeared to be the only choice currently available.

After a weekend of discussion & prayer, we felt that we had to say "no."  It was not the brokenness of the situation or even the potential challenges this baby would present.  It remained the high cost of this situation and the birth mom's desire to have yearly visits with her child.  So, on Monday morning, I sat down with a heavy heart to e-mail the agency.

By Monday evening, the caseworker called and told Brian that cost should never be a reason to stop a family from adopting.  And, if we could put together our financial request, they would still like to present us to the birth mom with the change of "openness" to our adoption.  Once again, we sat down as a family to talk it through...with the unanimous decision we should continue forward.

Tuesday & Wednesday came and went with a few e-mails and phone calls from our agency requesting information from us as well as letting us know about our birth mom.  The plan was to show her our profile book on Wednesday evening.  However, due to an old phone and poor reception in the hospital, she was unable to view our book or even read about our family.  Plans were made to have the local social worker meet with birth mom on Thursday.

While we were eager for answers, it was our position all along that the birth mom could still say no.  She could make other arrangements.  And while we made a few small moves to being prepared for her to say "yes," life was pretty much moving forward as "normal" for our family.

Until Thursday hit...

More to Come in Tomorrow's Posting

If you feel called to help support our adoption fund,

please visit:

Tobi & Brian Are Adopting

or

https://pages.giveforward.com/adoption_ivf/page-t9ymvb/

Getting over the cost of adoption.

Now, What?

As with most things in my life, I have been reminded that control is merely an illusion.  Even when I take every precaution to insulate myself from pain, hardship or disappointment, these realities remain a part of life's journey.  And, for the past 18 months, I (with my amazingly patient husband) have stepped out in faith on the journey of adoption...for a second time.

Let me be real for a few moment.

• Yes.  I honestly believed that we stepped out in faith to follow God's calling to adopt another child into our family.  And, yes, I still believe that.  (Brian, too!)  While the age, ability level or birth location may change, I remain confident that we are called to adopt at least one more child.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I am disappointed that it has been over a year since this process began and we still do not have a child/children adopted into our family.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I am frustrated at the process...and, more frustrated at how simply broken "the system" seems to be that leaves pregnant mothers in the position that the need to seek adoptive families.  It is not lost on me that in a "perfect world" a woman would not choose to give a piece of her heart and soul away.  This is an incredibly courageous and selfless act by these pregnant birth moms.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I am sad each and every time we put our "yes on the table" and hear back "no."  Each time, I know that this wasn't God's plan...yet, it still hurts as the dreams I had began to dream about a life with this new child vanishes.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I feel incredibly vulnerable and I cry about the dumbest things.  I know what it feels like to yearn for someone(s) and not be able to see them, touch them, feel them.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  I want to talk about all of this with you.  Please, ask me.  I will tell you if we have said "yes" to an adoptive mom or if we just haven't had any new cases that moved us to act.  I want to talk to you about the calling on my heart for adoption and I need your prayers.  This walk is not easy and without a definite end in sight, I am weary.  I want to quit.  But, I can't because I know this is exactly where God wants me to be.  And, my heart breaks...
• Yes.  This is going to cost money.  And, I worry.  I worry a lot about providing for the family with which we have already been blessed.  But, I also worry about what the cost of adding another one or two (with God's blessing, could it be three?!?) more kiddos as well as their needs and wants.  I know that God has always provided what we needed, but I still seek out where my will ends and His will begins.  And, ultimately, adoption should NEVER be about money or lack there-of...and yet, my heart breaks...

In the Pixar movie that came out this past spring, Inside Out, I was reminded that there is value in sadness or those emotions we would normally categorize as "sad."  The animated movie pointed out that it is in these times of (dare I say it?) vulnerability that we can seek out help, love, kindness, and compassion.  And, it is in these darkest hours that we have been gifted exactly that by our friends and family.

I cannot tell you how many times I have simply wanted to stop...just stop the impending chaos and changes that will come with another adoption.  And, it is those times that I have been closest to calling our adoption consultant to say "we are done," that God has used His people to push me forward.  These are "my people" that honestly call me on my insecurities.  They stand in the gap between what I doubt and what God's calling on my life remains...and they speak truth to my aching heart:

Brian & I are not alone.  

God loves us and has not forsaken us.

God's will for our family will happen in His timing.

(Tobi, calm down.  Take a nap and eat some chocolate. 

 -- Always a necessary reminder.  Thank you, Mom!)

This discomfort (although long) is only temporary.  God's kingdom is eternal.

And, so we move forward in the following ways:

Updating Our Home Study - Home studies expire after a year.  So, we are in the process of updating background checks, finger prints, financial documents, etc. so that we can give them to our social worker.  She will be coming to our home late this month to interview our family.  Then, we wait 4-6 weeks for her new update.  In the meanwhile, our current home study will expire. So, we will need to wait for our updated study in order to pursue future "situations."

Garage Sale Fundraiser - We have realized that the cost for the newest family member(s) will be more than we originally budgeted.  So, we are hosting a garage sale the weekend of August 21 & 22nd.   If you are able, please consider helping this new fundraiser in one of the following ways:

• Donating your Household Items to our sale.  The more the merrier!!  Just message, text or call and we can arrange a time to pick-up or drop-off.  
• Shop our sale!!  Everyone is always looking for a good deal, right?!  We will be open Friday & Saturday from 8am - 3pm.  Special pre-screening for anyone who donates items to the garage on Thursday evening (August 20th) from 6:30 - 8:30pm.  
• Kid-care - While the big kids are at school, we could use some help watching our youngest or simply helping to work the sale on Friday from 8:00 - 2:00pm.

Prayer - We continue to prayerfully seek God's will in every step that we take throughout this process.  Please join us in praying for our future children as well as their birth mom, birth dad and possible birth siblings.

Thank you for standing with us on this journey as we continue to anxiously await the completion of God's calling for our family and this adoption journey.

God's blessings,

Tobi

So...what's the latest (you may or may not ask)?!

I realize that it has been over 3 months since our last post.  And, honestly, in regards to our adoption status, not much has changed.  We have continued to put our "yes on the table" to a variety of situations.  Then, we wait. 

Sometimes, we hear back that we are not the family chosen by a birth mom.  Sometimes, a few weeks passes and we simply assume that we are not chosen.  Then,  we wait.

Brian and I check our e-mails with such regularity that you would think we have become obsessed with our phones.  Some days, there are no new situations sent.  Others, we could get three or four.  We read them.  Pray about each one.  Then, we either hit "reply" or "delete."  Either way,  we wait.

The first time we went to Haiti, I listened to a podcast from Willowcreek Church.  The pastor spoke of Moses and his "waiting time" in the desert.  I was reminded of how moved I was hearing that sermon when I found myself reading in Exodus, today.  People, do you realize that Moses went into the desert to prepare his people KNOWING that he would never enter the promised land?  AND, Moses had a looooooooonnnnnnnggggggg wait.  Seriously.  We are talking all of Exodus, Leviticus AND Numbers long of a wait!

Friends, we all know that I DO NOT HAVE THE GIFT OF PATIENCE.  Phew!  Now that that's out there.  Anyone surprised?!  But, just like the faithful before me, I am called out of my comfort zone into the desert to wait for God's next instruction.  So, we wait.

A Moses kind of waiting....what would that look like in adoption?  Just like Moses, we remain in this place at this time.  God provided for the needs of His people, and God has provided faithfully for us.  We continued to be blessed with generous gifts from friends and relatives to help build up our adoption fund.  I was also blessed to get a job that was fairly family-friendly and fun.  We have been able to pay off a good portion of our debt and line ourselves into position to take another loan if our next adoption would require it.

During this time of waiting, we continue to grow, learn and share life together.  Although, I probably could draw some parallels between the Israelites and our family...I will spare you my preaching and just share some pictures:

We made kits to hand out to the homeless that we encounter this summer.
Love that our kids have a heart for those in need!

We share time enjoying each other.  Singing.  Laughing.  Playing.  Simply being present. 

Spring break took us to the shores of Alabama.
A bit chilly for some...and perfect wake board weather for others.

We enjoyed visits from family and friends throughout much of March and all of April.
It feels good to laugh & make new memories together!

Easter was spent at home with a sunrise service by the youth of our church.
Amazing worship experience!

Then, there was prom...

And, both of our girls' Confirmation Sunday...

An induction into high school Honor Society...

And, I don't even know?!  Sometimes, it is boring while you wait?

Life continues to move us forward.  We continue to pray for guidance, wisdom and peace.  And, of course, we wait.  And, in those moments when I feel that my patience is just about gone, I am reminded of a verse that I wrote down in my mom's group a few years ago (when we were in the waiting period for our first adoption):

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galations 6:9

Thank you for joining with us in prayer.  For your continual gifts of financial support and words of encouragement, we are so very, very blessed.  We are blessed to take this journey with so many friends and family who lift us up when we are weary and encourage us during this time in which we wait.

She said no...

It has been a number of weeks and mailing countless grant applications since we last posted to this blog.  So, I think I will start with a few details:

1)  We put our "yes on the table."  The birth mother said her "self-less, life-giving yes" to another family.  Were we disappointed?  Of course.  However, we are confident that two important things have happened.  First (and ultimately most important), God's ultimate plan for this baby is happening in perfect timing for the family that the birth mom chose.  What an amazing blessing!  Second, having said our first "yes," the next one will get easier...I hope.

2)  We have not had another situation come to us that we felt that God was prodding us to move out of our comfort zone into the eager, anxious waiting period.  Is this place of waiting and wondering hard?  Absolutely!!  I probably check my e-mail every 10 minutes.  It's ridiculous!  I don't want to miss anything.  I keep looking through the paperwork that our adoption consultants gave us eager to find something I may have missed that could open a doorway.  I yearn to leave this very dry season of waiting...and enter into the season of new life -  the new life of a new family member.

Today was our second day of 70 degree temperatures.  Spring is starting to show itself.  There is green grass peeking it's head through the lifeless brown that is covering in our lawn.  Our entire family embraced the sunshine and headed outside to simply BE.  I watched as we all seemed to shake off our dull, lifeless winter forms and energetically interact with one another.  It was so refreshing!

Many times, this adoption journey feels like the wheels have come off and there is no longer any forward momentum.  We are sitting lifeless.  Waiting.  Dull.  Dreary.  And, I begin to question why I am on this journey at all.  Shouldn't it be enough that we are willing, waiting and wanting?

Then, I am reminded that it is during this period of waiting and wanting that God is working on me.  He is asking me if I trust him enough to stay the course...practice faithfully following even when I cannot see or know the outcome.  I survive the winter months with the confidence that spring will come.  There will once again be sunshine and warmth; flowers and green grass; birds and butterflies.  I need to also remember during this period that there will be a springing of new life for our family...all in God's timing.  Not Tobi's.

Just like today was a wonderful, refreshing reminder that spring will come (although, thanks to the Groundhog, we are waiting another month!), I am reminded that God continues to provide and direct our steps.  Just last week, I ended my morning devotion pleading with God for a sign that He wanted us to continue on this adoption journey.  That afternoon in the mail, we were blessed with a wonderful card and check from friends from our last church family.  Messaged received.  Stay the course.

Putting Our Yes on the Table

As of 2:00 this afternoon, Brian and I put our "yes on the table" to have our family profile shown to a birth mom. 

We are so excited!  

...Excited because this could be the 8th Roesler....and all the blessings and joy that comes with welcoming a baby into your home.
...Excited to meet this amazing woman with such great taste to have chosen our family to raise her son.
...Excited to have once again stepped out in faith and seen God's will in our lives fulfilled.

But, if I were 100% honest, I gotta confess that I am so scared.  

Having walked the adoption path before, I am well aware that this birth mom may not choose our family.  During our last journey, we put our "yes on the table" so many times to only be rejected that we lost count.  I am not naive to the fact there are numerous families who will (and should) want to have their profiles shown tomorrow morning.  It is hard not to have the perspective that we aren't in "competition" to win this birth mom's approval.  We know from our experience that the right time will come and that God will place into our family the absolute perfect child.  But, it is still scary to open ourselves up to possible rejection...the emotional roller coaster ride of imagining this baby and this timeline and how it will impact your life only to be told, "No.  Not yet."

We continue to fund-raise and apply for grants.  But, the dollars aren't sitting in the bank.  I'm scared to take on the additional loans to make this adoption a reality. While it would seem that the easiest answer is simply don't do it and avoid the loans and debt, it isn't.  There is a period of time that our home study is good.  The calling to adoption remains strong on our hearts and after reading about this birth mom we knew that God was calling us to act.  It is scary to move forward with uncertainty as to how this financial piece will shift things for our family.  Ideally, the money tree would have grown in the back yard or the lottery winnings would have been gifted to us.  But, then putting our yes on the table probably wouldn't be such a terrifying leap of faith.  

As I look at the calendar and try to envision the travel times and juggling the family schedule, I am scared at how the stress and strain will impact our children.  We have five amazing kiddos who really rise up during times of stress to accomplish the impossible.  They have proved this time and time, again, from the short bursts (like Mom working and Dad traveling during Christmas break) to the long marathons (like one or both parents gone on Mission Trips or our first adoption), that they are capable of greatness.  But, I am a worrier...what is the cost on them during these times of chaos and strain?  

My logical side recognizes that all my fear is a lack of faith.  It is so easy for me to romanticize our first adoption journey and how God was so incredibly faithful because I have the proof right here snuggling in my lap.  But, being back in the adoption trenches, again, I am reminded of how rough this journey really was...and remains.  I love control...and this journey is completely about trusting God.  

I was sharing some of this struggle with wanting control and entrusting our journey to God with my small group last night.  In response, one of the young ladies sent me this picture from her morning devotional this morning:

She knows me so well!  I would love a map (Although, Brian would have to read it and explain it to me since I stink at map reading. Thank you, God, for GPS!)!  But, instead, I will remind myself to keep my eyes focused on Jesus.

So, please pray for this birth mom, this baby and our family because we put our first "yes" on the table...