Back on Track...Thursday

Back to our "regularly schedule" blog post...picking up where I left off in my first blog about this newest adoption journey:

Thursday morning, we started the day like we do almost every week.  Kids off to school.  Brian off to work.  Elijah headed to his Parent's Day Out program at our church and I went to the gym.

This might seem silly in some respects.  Maybe I should have spent the morning making plans...putting together freezer meals...cleaning house, but we hadn't gotten a "yes" from the birth mom, yet.  Our caseworkers were cautiously optimistic, but there were still a number of variables.  So, it made sense to simply move forward with "normal" life until we knew for certain that plans needed to change.

It wasn't until I was on mile #2 of my morning treadmill routine that my phone rang.  The caseworker wanted to just check in and update me.  First, birth mom still hadn't had an opportunity to see our profile book but they had a plan for her to see it around lunch time.  And, second, birth mom had a c-section last night (Wednesday) and the baby BOY was HERE!

Remember with me, please, we had spent the last roughly 8 days praying for this baby girl.  We'd dreamed of dresses and dollies...pink, ruffles and hair-dos.  So, it took me a good solid minute before I could respond.

The silence made our caseworker question if gender was a "deal breaker" for us.

Absolutely, NOT.  We were called to this birth mom and to this situation...I just needed to replace the pink dresses with blue jump suits...more energy and potentially less drama.  Mind shift arrived...and, ready to move forward.

The caseworker said she would call later in the day after the birth mom had seen our profile and let us know if she had any questions.

Still, we were in a holding pattern.

I texted Brian and the kids with the update...making sure to put BOY in all caps allowing all of us to shift our expectations as well as redirect our prayers.

Then, I finished my work-out.  Because, apparently, when you lack "definites" then you stay on Plan A for the day.

As I look back, one of the major signs that this was going to happen should have been that I never felt any anxiety after our final "yes" was on the table.  I was apprehensive about the money portion...but, the remainder of the details never rattled the feeling of peace I had.

I did leave a note at Elijah's PDO to let them know the following week Uncle Mike could be dropping him off and picking him up.  I made a few initial texts and e-mails to let people know it was looking more likely that we would need them.  But, overall, life went on.

Our caseworker called around lunch time, Brian received the call.  She just wanted to let us know that the meeting between the caseworker and birth mom had been post-poned a few more hours.  They would be meeting at 1:00 (central time).  Brian texted me the update.  And, life remained calm.  Normal.  Kind of like that stillness before a major storm....you know it's coming.  You can even begin to smell it.  But, you aren't rolling up windows or anything.  It's that late summer storm that comes when everything is dry and brittle...the rain that has been so long prayed for and anticipated.

Elijah and I had settled in for our rest time routine.  It was about 2:00 and we were snuggling while reading his pile of books.  My phone rang.

Caseworker:  Congratulations!  You are the parents of a little boy!
Me:  Okay.
Caseworker:  The birth mom chose you and your husband.
Me:  Right.
(As you can see, I have a gift with words!)
Caseworker: So, can you be in New Jersey, tonight?
Me:  Oh, God, No!
(Again, ever so gifted with words!)
Caseworker:  It is really important that you be there as quickly as possible.  Tomorrow by noon at the latest.

Then,  life went into OVERDRIVE.  The storm had hit...and the rain was so welcome...exciting...and I wanted to dance in the puddles like a little kid.  But, first:
...I had to tell Brian so he could get on the phone with the bank to secure our temporary (God-willing) loan.  Paperwork to be found to prove we could pay for this loan.  More paperwork to be filled out.
...Texts to our kids to update them that they had a baby brother.  Sorry, teachers!  I doubt there was a lot of learning going on that day.
...Gentle, loving reminders to Elijah that he was taking a nap and to leave the pictures on the walls.  And, no, he didn't need to have another story, practice using the potty or play with bubbles in his bed.
...There were plane tickets to buy for Brian and me.  As well as tickets for Uncle Mike to come and be our super Manny!  Our church family had already stepped forward and our pastor offered to reimburse us our ticket costs.  How cool was that!?  It definitely made it easier to type in our credit card numbers.  Major blessing!
...There were frantic texts to our beautiful neighbor who in her mid-20s didn't think twice about uprooting her life and moving into our home for the weekend to fill the gap between our leaving and Uncle Mike's arrival.
...The texts to a friend to do a Friday day shift with Elijah, drive our kids to the Friday night football game AND bring over newborn clothes and supplies for our new son.
...The mounds of adoption paperwork that had to be filled out and printed...and signed before a notary.  Thank God for our church administrator who was not only willing to be our notary but welcomed this frantic couple into her home to get the job done.  And, she blessed us by praying with us before we walked out the door. Such an amazing moment of peace!
...Talking with the older kids about what needed to be covered in the coming weekend, who would cover what, and how we would get through the coming days.
...Calling a girlfriend who graciously pulled together a Mary Kay pampering set for us to gift our birth mom and she arrived within hours with the perfect gift.
...Suitcases needed to be dragged down from the attic and clothes needed to be washed.
...The girls still had to get to piano lessons.
...There still needed to be dinner...thank you, Papa Johns, for your user-friendly app!
...We had a football game to attend and a star player to cheer on...not knowing when we would be at another game.
...There were hotel reservations & rental car reservations to be made.
...Suitcases to pack and back packs to be loaded.

The character of a family comes into clarity with how well it handles crisis moments such as these.  I'm sure there could have been many moments of complete melt down...mostly by me.  But, each time I felt like my head was going to burst...or my brain was turning to mush, I would find the face of one of my kids smiling at me.  They would calmly ask what they could do and how could they help.  Instead of starting arguments with each other, they drew together as a team...like family often does...to accomplish our family mission:  Bring this baby home.

Step  1:  Get Mom & Dad to NJ (like yesterday) seemed to be the biggest hurdle.  But, then we have an amazing God....awesome children...and the blessings of friends

Elijah and our friend, Kathy,
playing in puddles.

& family.

Yet, even in the midst of this storm...with all the chaos and demands of our time, the path was paved with love, grace, forgiveness and understanding.

At 1:30 Friday morning as I put my last item in my suitcase, I knew that the 3:30 alarm was going to be brutal.  But, I also knew that what awaited us in NJ would be worth the sleepless night.

And, as I dozed in my bed, I dreamed about dancing in rain puddles...

If you feel called to help support our adoption fund,

please visit:

Tobi & Brian Are Adopting

or

https://pages.giveforward.com/adoption_ivf/page-t9ymvb/

 

Today...Moments of Grace

I know that I had indicated my next post would be about "Thursday" and more of the journey that led us to New Jersey.  However, I need to put that post on pause...first, I need to "unpack" the moments of today.

I had my heart set on flying home with AJ, today.  I desperately miss my five kiddos at home, my husband and "normal life."  I just needed to be done.

But, here's the funny thing about being done...it is often when I find the most important moments need to happen.   

Not flying home today meant that I was available to meet AJ's birth mom (J) for lunch.

This is uncharted territory for me.  I didn't know what a lunch would look like...feel like...be like.  I was scrambling for some type of outline or talking points.  Maybe there was a curriculum I could use?!?

 And, as the plans started to take shape yesterday, I recognized that I needed to do this. Over the past year, I have been blessed to share life with an incredible woman with eight children (crazy, right?!?).  Four of her children are adopted through foster care.  My friend maintains a relationship with her sons' birth mom that is filled with grace, acceptance and love.  It isn't easy, but she remains Christ-like throughout their journey.  I reached out to her via text and she confirmed that this was a good thing...and, a "God-thing."  We would learn together how to navigate this new territory together.

Finally, I had a sense of peace...if I couldn't fly home, this lunch was meant to be.  Whatever it felt like, looked like or simply was like....it would be.  It was as if God himself whispered in my ear, "Tobi, J needs you.  You will be enough.  She needs to know that she is loved...and that she is safe yoking her life with yours through AJ."

And, there it was.   A new calling on my life beyond just loving, guiding and raising AJ, but also loving his birth mom.  The calling to extend my definition of adoption from "just" this blessed child to also (in a way) adopting J into our family.

We met at a Cheesecake Factory.  Nothing fancy or special...until God transformed this every day place into Holy ground.

We hugged.
We sat close together on the bench, her holding AJ, my arm across her shoulders.  We talked and waited for our table.
She smelled him.  She rubbed her nose in his hair.  Felt his face against her face.
I told her about how good he is eating and strong he has gotten.
We ordered the same meal.  Drank our beverages.
I fed AJ.
She shared about how she has been feeling.  The support of her friends.
I shared about our family.  Life in Missouri.
She held AJ again.  Staring into his eyes.  Memorizing his small hands and long fingers.  Rubbed his feet with the palm of her hand.
I told her that I love her.  That our family loves her.
She looked into my eyes and asked if we could stay in touch.  Would I be willing to visit?  Could she visit us?
I shared that I didn't know what the future held but that our lives would always be interwoven.  We were on uncharted territory that she and I would have to navigate...but we would always need to do so by looking at one another's texts, e-mails or phone calls through a lens of love, respect and patience.
She begged me to never pull away from her.  If I was upset or scared to tell her, she would change so that I would be comfortable.
I asked for her patience and promised that AJ would always know that she loves him and that he is a special boy to have two mommies.
We shared our love for food.  She asked me to try ox tale...and I encouraged her to try sauerkraut.
I told her about my love for my church family and how they were praying for her, AJ and me.
She told me that she missed church.  She felt more centered and whole when she attended.
I encouraged her to go.  I told her that God was with her always.
She held AJ close and told him he was special.  Kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear.
I held back the tears as I witnessed such sacrificial love...such amazing grace. I was the interloper invading this Holy space where love means sacrifice.  Blind trust.  Total faith.
She shared her passion for working with the mentally challenged and her love for people with special needs.  Her desire to get back to work soon.
We picked at our food as we laughed, smiled and embraced the beginning foundation for the lifetime ahead.
She announced it was time to leave and she needed to go first.  It was too painful to watch us go.
I got it.  It is easier to walk away than to watch someone walk away.  The illusion of control...and the hiding of tears when you don't look back.
She held AJ close.  Kissed his cheeks and said good-bye.  Laid him down in his car seat.  Hugged me.
I held on...no short hug would be enough.  I said in our embrace that "I loved her" and "Thank you."
And, she walked away.

I am still emotionally "raw"...raw with the emotion of witnessing such a deep, sacrificial love.  Raw at the privileged to experience a simple lunch at a Cheesecake Factory that was so filled with love, respect, sacrifice, and grace.  Raw at still being here after so many days and hearing (via e-mail) that we still have at least a week to go.

I have been broken, today.  Broken of the need to control this uncontrollable time-table.  Broken of the need to fit adoption into a nice, predictable box.  Broken (once again) of the perception that "ministry" best happens in measured moments put on a calendar.

But, again, tonight, as I lay me head down to rest, I will once again pray:

"Use me, God.  Not my will but yours."

If you feel called to help support our adoption fund,

please visit:

Tobi & Brian Are Adopting

or

https://pages.giveforward.com/adoption_ivf/page-t9ymvb/

Let's Start at the Beginning...Shall We?

It feels like we have lived a LOT of life in a very short period of days.  As I think back over the past two week, I am reminded of the blog entry I wrote after we adopted Elijah.  Simply put,

God has shown up...time and time again.  

It is in the reflection of these past days, weeks and years that I can see why we had to wait so long...why the numerous failed matches...why this needed to be God's timing and not mine.  And, I have been reminded that God has journeyed with us during the good and bad times, but has clearly been paving the way for this adoption by creating connections, friendship and planting us in a church family.

As I think about the timeline of events, I find that I get confused...and sometimes disbelieve all that has happened.  So, I decided to sit down and blog the events as I remember them and share our adoption testimony.

Putting Our "Yes On the Table" - Again.

I found this situation at the beginning of September on a an adoption website I frequently visited.  I inquired about the situation because it listed an African American baby girl due mid-September.  When the agency responded, I immediately ruled it out because of the high dollar amount they were asking for the adoption.  Brian and I already were stepping out in faith asking for financial support and we knew the top-dollar for which we could secure a loan.  So, I hit the delete button and said a little prayer for this birth mom that she would find the right family for her little girl.

Two weeks later, I received an email from the agency stating that they had lowered the cost by almost $12,000 and would we be willing to consider the situation.  That e-mail was the catalyst that started Brian and I talking....praying....dreaming...and, researching. Throughout this process, there have been defining moments that provided us clarity.  One of those moments was seeing this video  about getting over the cost of adoption.  Yes.  The cost is outrageous.  Yes.  We wish that the system wasn't broken, expensive and so complicated.  But, at this moment, we say yes to all of that in order to adopt a child out of brokenness and into our forever family.

I am increasingly convinced that adoption is the result of brokenness - broken families, broken communities, and broken spirits.  Healthy, happy and "whole" women do not choose to give away their unborn babies.  It is (most often) an act of sacrificing one's own selfish desires and trying to gift that innocent soul a life without brokenness.  Adoption can be the healing of brokenness.  The mending...changing...and loving something (someone) into the beginning of a new reality.

It is this brokenness that will lead me to leave out some details surrounding this situation.  These will be left for AJ to share when he feels it is right to do so as part of his testimony and his history.  And, it is this brokenness that moved Brian and I to continue down the path of pursuing this birth mom and her child.  It is our firm belief that regardless of a birth mother's condition, she should know that she is loved and that her decision for adoption is honorable & her sacrifice is recognized for the incredible gift that it is.

As our hearts were being stirred to take action, we had a major obstacle:  NO updated home study.  We had begun the process during the summer and were finishing up the paperwork having already had our renewal visitation with our case worker.  We were uncertain if the agency would be willing to let us present to this birth mom knowing that our final home study could still be a week or more away from being finished.

Proof that God is in the details...what could have been the end of the dialogue, became a minor detail.  Our local case worker went to town finishing up the home study in a record DAYS verses weeks.  This beautiful woman even talked to our agency on her vacation in order to assure them that we were viable candidates for this placement...and, she even encouraged them to place a child with us as we were "an ideal family for adopting another child."  Amazing!

With all signs moving us forward, I sat down our 4 oldest children over lunch.  After our last adoption, they requested to have a "voice vote" in each scenario that we were considering.  It made sense to me being the sister of 3 adopted siblings.  It is easier to be "in the know" than surprised.  So, I laid out the situation.  The good stuff.  The bad stuff.  And, then sat back and waited.  These amazing kids did not hesitate to encourage us to move forward.  While I was weighing out all the pros & cons, they simply saw that this baby needed a family...and, they wanted to be that family.

Brian and I sought out the council of our adoption consultant and previous case worker to learn more about this agency.  We talked to them about the details of the situation, and the increasing feeling that we were the only family the agency had found to present to this mom.  It is one thing to have your profile shown with other families because then there is still a large margin for that new baby to be placed in a different family.  But, this time saying yes felt heavier because we appeared to be the only choice currently available.

After a weekend of discussion & prayer, we felt that we had to say "no."  It was not the brokenness of the situation or even the potential challenges this baby would present.  It remained the high cost of this situation and the birth mom's desire to have yearly visits with her child.  So, on Monday morning, I sat down with a heavy heart to e-mail the agency.

By Monday evening, the caseworker called and told Brian that cost should never be a reason to stop a family from adopting.  And, if we could put together our financial request, they would still like to present us to the birth mom with the change of "openness" to our adoption.  Once again, we sat down as a family to talk it through...with the unanimous decision we should continue forward.

Tuesday & Wednesday came and went with a few e-mails and phone calls from our agency requesting information from us as well as letting us know about our birth mom.  The plan was to show her our profile book on Wednesday evening.  However, due to an old phone and poor reception in the hospital, she was unable to view our book or even read about our family.  Plans were made to have the local social worker meet with birth mom on Thursday.

While we were eager for answers, it was our position all along that the birth mom could still say no.  She could make other arrangements.  And while we made a few small moves to being prepared for her to say "yes," life was pretty much moving forward as "normal" for our family.

Until Thursday hit...

More to Come in Tomorrow's Posting

If you feel called to help support our adoption fund,

please visit:

Tobi & Brian Are Adopting

or

https://pages.giveforward.com/adoption_ivf/page-t9ymvb/

Getting over the cost of adoption.